You could be my someone

looking back, on the memories of.. the dance we shared.

holball23@yahoo.com — Fri, 22 Jul 2005 16:33:17 GMT

wow. 15 people. at one time i'd say that wasnt a lot, now a days it is. but here goes nothing.

#1: When I decided I was going to move away from Texas, I don't think it ever really hit me how hard it would be to not have you in my everyday life. For as long as I can remember it was just the two of us, and now I am on my own. Everything in me is because of you though, and I am proud to say that you are where I come from. I love you and miss you so much everday.

#2: My favorite 'white guy' as I once said. I know most people say that people aren't really friends forever, and that people change... and I know that is true. Really, I do. But, for as long as we possibly can, let's try to prove that theory wrong, ok? I can't imagine not ever being able to pick up the phone and talk to you. You keep me sane, you remind me that no matter what's changed, there are some things that remain... and those things are what I cherish... things like you being able to make me laugh by saying something so simple, that you understand exactly how i am feeling by just a sound effect, and being able to quote FRIENDS whenever we feel the need. You are without a doubt one of the most important people in my life. I would be lost with you, so don't ever leave, ok? 'I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky, I'll be there'

#3: I guess when I moved here I always bounced back and forth between the same 2 or 3 guys it seemed. I never really jumped into anything whole-heartedly because I was always sacred of the outcome. And then I met you. You challenged me everyday, and were always able to keep me on my toes. You also let me in, in a way it was obvious that you did for no one else. You taught me what it means to be in love. I had always thought that I had experienced it before... and while those were all glimpses into what I could feel, or mistaken for love as friends, this was different. I counted on you and you counted on me. You are my first love and I know we've sturggled, but I also want you to know that I believe in us. Its me and you, love.

#4: My other half... my sister, by choice. I will never be able to fully explain the effect you have had on me. You have played, by the far, the biggest role in my life. I have the most memories with you then anyone else. Memories that I can look back on with smiles and tears. I've seen you at your best, but even more so, I've seen you at your worst and I think you are the strongest person I know. You've overcome so many thing in this life, things that some people would crumble if the same happened to them. Your mother would be so proud of you. I am so proud to call you my best friend. I hope people look back on high school and think, "hey those two were always with each other." Because that is how I remember it. You and me.. until we're little old ladies, right?

#5: I remember I was so scared to talk to you in 7th grade, because I thought you would beat me up or something. And then I remember being so excited when we became friends. We have such an interesting friendship, I think. If someone who didn't know either of us saw the two of us seperately, I doubt they would be able to imagine us being as good of friends as we are. I know that our "good friend" moments are few and far between, but I hope you know that to me, it doesn't make them any less important. I admire your courage, strength, and honesty. I am so glad you have found love, because for someone who has been up and down, it is about time you had someone sweep you off your feet... and I wish you all the happiness in the world.

#6: You're the one that will probably be upset that you are #6 and not 2, but whatever! ;) You are my most interesting friend. My friend that is the most opposite me on the outside, but look a little deeper and I think you'll see what we see--- that we've been connected since we were kids. There are certain things in this life that I think our impossible to alter and I think that our friendship is one of those. You have been there with me through everything. and I mean, everything. You are a person I can look at and say with no doubt in my mind would never hurt me or turn your back on me. And know that I will always be the same to you. You have such an amazing future ahead of you. You are the most confident, head-strong, beautiful woman I know ... and I know you won't change for anyone. I love girl, even if you lived in a trailor ;)

#7: All is fair in love and basketball, right? Whether I am allowed to remember you by this movie isn't really something you have to agree on with me... because it will forever remind me of us. I mean, hell, the necklace I got you said that much. So, distance has shown to us that we are capable of going a few months without talking, but now it has also shown us that it won't hurt our friendship either. I really don't want to give you this much credit, but you should know that you had my heart through most of high school. You also taught me a lot about love, and maybe not the love that I once thought it was.. but another kind. You taught me that it is okay to love someone and care about them, even if they don't love you as much-- because sometimes loving someone is enough, and I grew to understand that. I would have done anything for you, and I still would. I know the person you are and will soon be... and I can't wait to see how it all turns out.

#8: I have been wanting to talk to you since I was 13. Since the last time I saw you. My life changed for the best and worst because of you. I was on the top of the world and it suddenly got flipped over... and I had to crawl, on my hands and knees, alone... all the way back to the top. Do you have any idea how many thing would have been different had you never came into my life? I do. It's something I have thought about many times since the whole thing happened. But then i think about it a little longer, and think that without the bad, it's hard to appriciate the good. Because of you, I know who my true friends are, I know what believing in someone is all about, and I know that I have the strength to get through anything. So, in a weird, twisted way- thank you.

#9: And because of the person above this, it also lead me to having one of the greatest relationships this world has to offer. You are my hero. I am so grateful to you and will forever be. I only hope that one day I am able to become to others what you have become to so many. I can't even imagine how many people's lives you have changed with just your words. Your passion, honesty, and huge, huge heart amaze me each time I am around you. The best piece of advice that has ever been give to me was by you. You told me to always hold my head up high. It's simple, but it worked. You beleived in me more than anyone, and I owe so much to you. Thank you for being so much more than you bargained for... you have changed my life.

#10: It's weird not talking to you anymore. I know we played our every other year game where we'd be friends and then enemies and then friends again. We thought senior year we broke that trend... but as it turns out, it still haunts us today. We haven't really talked since I left Texas this past Christmas, and I am sad about it. But, I know that sometimes two people need to go their seperate ways. That, however, will never erase the memories we made. No matter how often we hung out, or how long we knew each other, we did have a special connection. We got each other in some weird way, and through both of our quirks, we somehow made a wonderful friendship. And to me, when I look back on what happened.. that is what I think. Not what we don't have anymore, but what we did have. And, I'll think of screaming "all my exe's live in Texas" at the top of our lungs, and I'll smile.

#11: When I moved to NC, I was so scared of knowing no one and having to start over. Scared that I would never have someone to just be myself around. Psychology class proved me wrong. You proved me wrong from the moment you called me 'Texas.' And I am glad I wore a football shirt that day, because then you never would have talked to me. Who am I kidding, of course you would have ;) I am glad I was able to catch the eye of the 'most popular guy in new bern' and I am glad that he turned out to be so awesome. I know I always tell you to have more confidence in yourself, and I will still tell you that now.. because you're so wonderful, and I promise you that someone as equally wonderful as you is going to come into your life one day. I know that we'll always be friends. Swimfan and all.

#12: "Lean on me... when you're not strong" 9th grade Biology, there you were. That sexy italian guy that everyone loved to be around. With your infectious personality and charming smile. No matter where I go, and who I meet... I will never be able to deny the fact that you were the first guy to steal a piece of my heart. You are the one guy that will always be there. And while it in part scares me, in another way.. it doesn't. Maybe we won't 'fall in love' or ever be together and maybe that's what is meant to happen, but I can say that what we have goes beyond forever and I know the memories we so often make will continue to grow.

#13: It is hard to say just how awesome it is that we are friends. I have never even met you, but I know that if we ever get a chance to meet, we'd become inseperable. You are such an amazing person, and I am so jealous of all the people who live by you and get to experience being your 'real life' friend. I know that you came into my life 'computer screen' ;) for a reason. It's been years now and we are able to be there when the other neesds, to offer support, make the other smile, or even scold when we feel the other is doing something we don't agree with. Through it all though, I want you to know that the fact that we haven't ever met doesn't make you any less of a friend. When I consider my friends, I do consider as one of them. And a wonderful one at that.

#14: My summer love. Well, two summers.. heh. Some of the greatest memories of my summer were with you. Whether us being boyfriend&girlfriend lasted 2 days or 12 days... it was still nothing short of amazing each time. Your stupid jokes, crazy obsessions, and horrible john mayer impression will be long-lasting in my mind. Even your dumb choices that proved you were indeed "just being a guy", I can't hold that against you. I remember your sincerity, and ability to keep yourself from keeping your mouth shut at the wrong times. Thank you for reminding me what it feels like to go weak in the knees at a simple kiss. We definately had a story-book romance that I won't be able to forget.

#15: Maybe it's weird that I am chosing to write about you, and then again maybe it isnt. I have to say that even when I look back on things, I don't regret one of the bigger decisions I made. I want you to know that I know you had this facade of being a 'bad ass' and being mean, and trying not to let anyone see what is really inside there, but I want you to know that I saw it. You let me in, whether it was on accident or not... but you did. It's been more than a year since I've seen you, and even longer since we talked, but regardless I never got a chance to say that even if it was more bad than good, you had a big impact on the past 4 years or so. Not recently, but before that. And, I just wanted you to know. Maybe one day you will grow out of your hate for everyone and everything and be what I saw that one night in my car. Thanks for the butterflies.

Sorry .. Comment if you want me to add you.. otherwise...

holball23@yahoo.com — Sat, 05 Feb 2005 16:12:36 GMT

my journal is now friends only..

holball23@yahoo.com — Sat, 05 Feb 2005 06:39:24 GMT

You have to decide how you want to live your life. What you can tolerate. What you're willing to lose

since samantha did it

holball23@yahoo.com — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 07:48:17 GMT

1. Comment and I will reply with something I really like about you.
2. I will then tell what song[s] remind me of you.
3. Next, I will tell you who you remind me of, celebrity/animated or otherwise.
4. Last, I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
5. Put this in your journal.

holball23@yahoo.com — Tue, 01 Feb 2005 00:10:26 GMT

If the dog is vicious and/or growling, then it signifies some inner conflict within yourself. It may indicate betrayal and untrustworthiness. If the dog is dead or dying, then it indicates a loss of a good friend.

In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.

you may be running from some situation or from temptation.

To see or live in a motel in your dream, represents your potential to achieve your goals. You are going through a transitional phase

you're my happy thought

holball23@yahoo.com — Sat, 29 Jan 2005 02:22:16 GMT

series one - you
Name: hol
Birthday: 12-29-85
Birthplace: colorado springs
Current Location: new bern, nc
Eye Color: brownish greenish yellow
Hair Color: dark brown
Righty or Lefty: Righty.
Zodiac Sign: capricorn

series two - describe
The shoes you wore today: brown boots.
Your hair: currently... a little wet still, wavy.
Your eyes: uh, brown
Your weakness?: tears. good/sad songs. a good letter.
Your fears: sharks. failure/
Your perfect pizza: canadian bacon & pineapple

series three - what is
Your most overused phrase on aol\aim: .... whatever.. yeah
Your thoughts first waking up: this morning i was wide awake at 6, it was insane.
The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: smile
Your best physical features: uh, hair?
Your usual bedtime: it varies. usually after 12
Your greatest accomplishment: still going strong in school i guess..
Your best memory: ever? wow, i dont know

series four - do you
Smoke: nope
Cuss: lol sometimes
Sing well: negative
Take a shower everyday: yea
Want to go to college: i am
Like high school: certain things about it.. i loved
Want to get married:Yes
Type with your fingers on the right keys: most of the time. yeah.
Believe in yourself: depends on what it has to do with.
Get motion sickness: in the car if i read
Think you're attractive: i can be
Think you're a health freak: i should be
Like thunderstorms: if i am not driving in em', yes
Play an instrument: haha no

series five - in the past month, did/have you
Drank alcohol: ha, no. it was one day and a month ago. lol my birthday.
Smoke(d): negative
Done a drug: no
Gone to the mall?: yes
Been on stage: No.
Been dumped: No.
Gone skating: No.
Made homemade cookies: nah
Gone skinny dipping: no
Dyed your hair: nope
Stolen anything: No.

series six - have you ever?
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: i'd say no
Been caught "doing something": negative
Been called a tease: eh, andre called me stingy. haha. even though ironically enough he was the ONE person i was not stingy with.. lol
Gotten beaten up: Nope
Shoplifted: No.
If so, did you get caught: ..
Changed who you were to fit in: nope

series seven - the future
Age you hope to be married: eh.. 24ish
Describe your Dream Wedding: i dont know, havent thought about it much.
What country would you most like to visit: ireland now that josh has me all interested
Current Clothes: green soccer shirt, pink sleepig pants.
Current Mood: a little relaxed
Current Taste: coca cola
Current Hair: down, damp and messy
Current Annoyance: eh women issues.
Current Smell: nada. soap.
Current thing you ought to be doing: homework. this semester is killing me.
Current Desktop Picture: F-R-I-E-N-D-S
Current Favorite bands: dashboard
Current Book: chronicles of narnia (the lion the witch & the wardrobe right now)
Current Worry: just how the talk with josh is gonna go tonight
Current Crush: crush? eh. no. just my josh.
Favorite quote from a movie: cant pick just one. but, "you are everything i never knew i always wanted" --Fools Rush In
Favorite quote from a TV show: You know i used to spend every day thinking about you and dreaming about you, and everytime you walked by i lost myself, do you know what that feels like? And you couldnt possibly know what it feels like to have that person not have the same feelings back. Look, i'm sorry if you miss the way i looked at you, but i dont miss the way you never looked at me. (dawsons creek)
Favorite quote from a song: oh like i could pick one.lol uhh... "the truth is you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath, i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt" -TBS
The meaning of life: be happy and make others you love happy too.

holball23@yahoo.com — Sun, 23 Jan 2005 07:11:36 GMT

SPILL CANVAS LYRICS

"So Much"

How does it feel to know you're everything I need
The butterflies in my stomach
They could bring me to my knees
How does it feel to know you're everything I want
I've got a hard time saying this
So I'll sing it in a song

Oh I adore the way you carry yourself
With the grace of a thousand angels overhead
I love the way the galaxy starts to melt
When we become one
When we become one
When we become one
When we become one

How does it feel
How does it feel when we get locked into a stare?
Please don't come looking for me
When I get lost in the mess of your hair
How do you feel when everything you've known
Gets thrown aside
Never fear, my dear, 'cause we have nothing left to hide

Oh I adore the way you carry yourself
With the grace of a thousand angels overhead
I love the way the galaxy starts to melt

Hold on to me girl
If you feel your grip getting loose
Just know that I'm right next to you
Hold on to me girl
If you feel your grip getting loose
Just know that I won't let you down

Well, I'm ready
Well, I'm ready
I am ready
To run away with you
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
To run away with me

Pack your things we can leave today
Pack your things we can leave today
Say our goodbyes and get on the train
Say goodbye
Just you and I in the sweet unknown
We can just call each other our home

If I had to choose a way to die
It'd be with you
In a goosebump infested embrace
With my overanxious hands cupping your face
In a goosebump infested embrace
With my overanxious hands cupping your cherub face

How does it feel?

holball23@yahoo.com — Fri, 14 Jan 2005 05:45:38 GMT

i believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end, we don't. perhaps luck exsists somewhere between the world of planning, of chance and in the peace that comes from knowing that you just can't know it all. life's funny that way... once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong --little black book

holball23@yahoo.com — Thu, 13 Jan 2005 18:35:46 GMT

hi there . i am just sitting here watching ER, just got home from school a lil bit ago.

i never sleep anymore, so i about to here in a bit before my night class @ 6

i never sleep, but last night i didnt care, i was at josh's ti'll like 330, and i wouldnt usually stay out that late, especially coming home to my dad, but i didnt get off work ti'll midnight, so it sucks. and we dont work together anymore, so i want to see him as much as i can when i do see him. you know?
i'm crazy about this guy

school is going fine, with the exception of the sleepiness of course. otherwise, looks like its gonna be a lil tough with anatomy again and now geography. but i'll make it alright.

okidoke, gonna take a nap ... cyou

some quotes, and happy new year?

holball23@yahoo.com — Sat, 01 Jan 2005 07:42:59 GMT

I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to chose where we come from, we can still chose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them -The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The hardest part about growing up is letting go of what you were used to, and moving on with something you're not.

Life is about change, sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's beautiful, but most of the time it's both - Smallville

we must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned so as to have the life that is waitng for us - Joseph Campbell

holball23@yahoo.com — Tue, 28 Dec 2004 04:06:25 GMT

Because in a sense, it's the coming back, the return which gives meaning to the going forth. We really don't know where we've been until we've come back to where we were. Only, where we were may not be as it was because of who we've become. Which is, after all, why we left

holball23@yahoo.com — Tue, 28 Dec 2004 03:18:57 GMT

...he makes me so happy

:grin:

you're my survivor, you're my living proof..

holball23@yahoo.com — Mon, 27 Dec 2004 05:09:43 GMT

hmp, just called joosshh and he was watching a movie and said he'd call back.. eh
and called AJ and cant get ahold of her ; ( i wanna talk to one of those two. lol ohwell, i'll sit here and be bored as per usual...

things are great still.. christmas was good
i think me and my family are gonna kill each other if we hang out anymore though, but me and my sis always get like that when we spend too much time together. heh
took some cute pics, i'll get em when my brother does his pics.

me and josh talk everyday.. it was funny, last night he was like "i miss getting to see you everyday" (and we had just seen each other the night before) i was like, "so basically you mean, today?" heh, he was like "shut up" it was cute, but i felt the exact same way.
i told my bro and sis about him. my brother needless to say wasnt happy.. didnt think he sounded like a good guy and that he was too old. it pissed me off a lil, only cause when i said josh had like 10 tatoos, he automatically was like "he's a winner'.. wow. but i cant lie and say that a few months back i wouldnt have stereotyped the same way, so for that.. damn me for being that type of person. cause, i dont like josh for his tatoos or lack of if that were the case, ya know.
just stuff that makes me think.

eh, i want him to call me
i am going to try and go see him after me and my family go out to eat tomorrow night. he closes so i'll go up there and he'll take his break so i can talk to him and say bye and all :(
i know, i know.. we havent even been "whatever" for but two weeks, but usually the start of the relationship is when youre crazy about each other, so not seeing him for two weeks is gonna suck

aw.. talking to gary online. we rarely talk. i mean he has a girlfriend, is pretty much in his own life.. which is expected, i just miss what we had sometimes. we've talked like twice the last two months, didnt think he even cared i was coming.
but,
gcoke (11:59:58 PM): the only reason i'm still here is cause you're coming, otherwise i'd be back in College Station
that made me feel good. i was a lil bummed that i dont ever talk to him and jared.

i am indeed excited .. this time the day after tomorrow, in texas i shall be :)

here comes santa clause ... ; )

holball23@yahoo.com — Sat, 25 Dec 2004 06:29:17 GMT

I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be. -eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

::yawn::

merry christmas!

and, goodnight.

have yourself a merry little christmas..

holball23@yahoo.com — Fri, 24 Dec 2004 16:22:09 GMT

he says that he has never been this happy before, and that everyone at works says the same thing about him
i told him i was really happy too, but also about being scared b/c i am so used to things being shitty.. that i am waiting for the point where things take the down spiral.. he said that wasnt going to happen.
i made some comment about him yelling ever and that if he did that i cry when people yell.. and i said dont make me cry ok? and he goes, "i wont" and i said "promise" he's like "eh, thats not something i can say because stuff happens.. but, i will do everything in my power not to give you reason to ever cry" i said that was good enough. then we were talking about me leaving again, and i said i was worried about him not wanting to be w/me when i got back, and he goes "that wont happen. and that i can promise you" it makes me sad he'll have no real home at christmas, like he has his new place, but nothing in it yet.. and she took everything. but he is going to one of his best friends on xmas. so its okay i guess.
beth is a whore. enough said.
josh doesnt want me to go to school in wilmington, cause we were talking about my usual "running away" issue and he said he wouldnt know what to do if i up and ran away. and he said that i had to promise not to. i said that i can, until the fall when i go to wilmington.. heh, guess i forgot to mention that to him. needless to say he is not in agreement with that choice, and would rather me go to ECU. at least it sounds like he plans on sticking around a while, since he obviously wants me to.
i swear i learn so much about him everyday. he is so great.

its christmas eve ;)
i work like 130-6

and i will be home in 4 days.
merry christmas!

reading your note over again, there's not a word that i comprehend..

holball23@yahoo.com — Thu, 23 Dec 2004 19:05:25 GMT

so my brother and sister are here and i am trying to spend time w/them and then work the next couple days.. so i'll be busy

but i wanted to say at least something cause i am happy... he makes me really, really happy. we talked all morning before work, and then when we got to work he looked really bummed, told me he seperation was official, he got an apartment and then showed me his hand without the rings.
but, its good.. so good for him. i know it is. we closed so we got to be together all night at work and all, we have a lot of fun.. and with the exception of beth (the whore), it was a lot of fun with everyone. especially since most of everyone knows so they make comments, but its funny most of the time.
we were standing outside after we closed as usual, just talking & kissing and what not.. and it started to rain. but we didnt care... then i was like up against his truck and he pulled me away and my butt was all wet but his truck was dry and he's like "i know that i was in this relationship for a reason, you keep my truck clean" ... i just sorta looked at him, and i was like "did you say relationship" and he goes "is that okay.. did i say the wrong word?" i was just like "nope, not at all".. heh
so yeah, he's moving in his apartment today as far as i know. i'll see him at work later though too.
and even last night he was like "maybe when you get back i can take you to dinner finally'.. it was cute.
i was alil nervous and sad about leaving only cause, i didnt want this to be sort of a in the now type of deal .. i dont know. so i said "youre not gonna forget about me are you" and he's like "no, i'm going to wait for you to come back.. and i'm gonna miss you, you're the only person who can make me smile"
i didnt wanna leave :( he made me promise to go see him before i leave (since i dont work again after christmas eve)
i really dont wanna go like 11 or 12 days without seeing him.

anyway, on a happier note.. 5 days.
2 ti'll christamaassss

billy cracks me up

holball23@yahoo.com — Wed, 22 Dec 2004 07:06:59 GMT

BigFaceBill85 (2:04:35 AM): hollie i want to like give you hug and like swing u in the air like i aint seen you five days, i think i am happy as ever
BigFaceBill85 (2:04:58 AM): thats the mother f'in quote of the day

he met a girl and is on cloud nine. i am happy for him. heh.

oh yeah

holball23@yahoo.com — Tue, 21 Dec 2004 23:31:42 GMT

as i had said yesterday... i had given josh the link to my quote page before i got offline.

so we're standing there up front at the registers with like jason, tori & jenna. and
..
so my quote of the day yesterday was this: You know when you are making a snow angel and its almost perfect except for that one little handprint when you are getting up? That's what you are.. without the hand print~Snow Day

so, were talking abut how it snowed and all. and i said i was excited about it and told em' bout my pathetic snowman but then said how my snow angel was really cool, and josh, goes "except for the handprint when you got up"..
i just sorta looked at him crazy. heh. cause he hadnt said anything about my page and all, it was cool though.

OKAY.. he just called again, guess he was on break and told me that uh, yesterday after my dad dropped me off, i went over to him in the parking lot, we hugged and kissed real quick .. and uh, apparently everyone standing up and the cash registers saw that. NICE. lol.. which entailed tori, kim & jesse. poor jesse, he's so nice and i really hope we're friends.. he said to keep his number if i change my mind. heh. tori said jesse was like "damn that girl is really pretty out there with josh" and kim was like "you do know thats hollie" and they said he just was like "damn" again. lol.
BUUUUT josh said kim talked to him and said that we were cute, and that she doesnt hate me or anything like that. basically everyone at work knows now.. which is kinda better. i think. i hope, anyway.
okay thats all.. ;)

everytime youre near baby, i get kinda crazy in my head for you..

holball23@yahoo.com — Mon, 20 Dec 2004 19:43:52 GMT

it is so freaking weird to look outside and see eveything white .. but its awesome. i got up earier than usual to go outside and play in the snow, i must say it is not as fun by yourself, but it'll have to do. i wish it would melt though so that i can for sure go to work and not slide all over the road.. eh
we'll see..

and because of that josh called my phone at like 10 this mornin' to see if i'd be going or not.. i was asleep, but debated on whether or not to call him, and then did, and she was at the house, way to go on my part. but whatever.. he called me back later on, we talked for over an hour.. just about random stuff, how different we are. its so funny.
thhheeen i gave him the link to my quote page. i was hesistant, just cause i guess i feel like that opens this whole other side of me, but at the same time.. one that maybe he should see, you know? but, then we talked online a lil, and i had to get in the shower and just left him as he was reading through my page. heh. it'll be interesting to hear what he has to say about it all.. these are a few things he said during our conv that i liked..
josh (12:58:27 PM): by the way did I happen to mention that you looked really good last night at work
............
josh (1:36:59 PM): I always fell better when I can vent to someone and I always feel better when it is you

sooo yeah. things are fine there..just taking it one step at a time.

i just made an intresting sandwich, and i am not quite sure if i like it yet or not. hmp. but i never eat, so i figured i should. i've lost almost 10 pounds since i started working...

what crap do i wear when it is 20 outside? and still try to look hot? heh.

not much left.. but for the sake of counting down things, lets:
10... randy
9.... my birthday
8....TEXAS
5... Christmas!

ITS SNOWING!!!

holball23@yahoo.com — Mon, 20 Dec 2004 06:46:42 GMT

and i'm a dumbass and was just in my front yard in my pj's spinning in the snow and my toes are offically frozen.
definately a mood picker-upper, even though i didnt need it. snow is just awesome and makes me smile ;) even though it probably wont be there when i get up in the morning,it was nice to see.

today was fine. girls at work officially suck regarding anything not work-related, and my conclusion is for ME to keep my big mouth shut too. other than that, its cool.

josh showed up when i had to come in at 5 and waited for me in the parking lot. he had to go in for a lil while to do something, but he got to wear like normal clothes. it was weird not seeing him in work clothes. heh, but he looked cute w/his lil baseball hat and all. i got out of the car and first thing he just said "you look really good today" and gave me a big hug and kiss ;) still only saw him for a few minutes :( but i guess i cant be greedy. we work the same shift tomorrow night, closing.. so yay!! i just wanted to see him tonight, and talk to him. or be here for us to play in the snow, heh.
cra-azy

just got off the phone with my kyle, who is doing good in ol' schertz. AND he should get back fro georgia in time to also come down to schertz after jan 2 and see me!! that'l be exciting cause there is no telling when ever we'd be able to see each other again. its been about 6 months :( i miss him a lot.

i'm reading that book "he's just not that into you" that every woman is crazy about when oprah had it on her show. so, i finally bought one myself. i really like it. totally makes me feel like a dumbass in the past though, heh. there were two things i wanted to quote from it that i just read :
(after getting dumped)="dont be flattered that he misses you. he should miss you. you're deeply missable. however,he's still the same person who just broke up with you. remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's chosing, every day, not to be with you."-greg behrendt &
"it's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less-- even a vague, pathetic facsimile of less--than you would have ever imagined." --greg behrendt

thats my wisdom for the day.

welllll goodnight
oh and, 8 days ;)

song thing.. PLAY!!

holball23@yahoo.com — Sun, 19 Dec 2004 19:17:15 GMT

Step 1: Get your playlist together, put it on random, and play
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines (excluding the title) from the first 20 songs that play
Step 3: Let everyone guess what song the lines come from
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly

1. "i often think about that summer, swept the moonlight in the lace, and i have rarely held another when i haven't seen your face"

2. "to know that you feel the same as i do, is a three fold utopian dream"

~~3. "but i got lost a time or two, wiped my brow and kept pushing through, i couldnt see how every sign pointed straight to you"~~

4. "looking in your eyes, they tell me i'll no longer have to feel alone"

5. "turn around, walk away, make it easier.. no one's forcing you to stay"

6. "they press their lips against you, and you love the lies they say"

7. "every time youre near baby, i get kinda crazy in my head for you.. that i don't know what to do, and oh baby, i get kinda shaky when they mention you, i just lose my cool"

~~8. "and she don't know that when i hold her.. she's really holding me"~~

9. ~~" said she's sorry that she missed me, said she's been doing fine, but ive run it back and heard her say those word a hundred times.. "~~

10. ~~"sometimes, i wish that i was the weather.. you'd bring me up in conversation forever"~~

11. "there you are, lookin as fine as can be.. in your fancy car, i can see you lookin at me, whatcha wanna do.. are you just gonna sit there and stare, baby talk to me.. tell me whats on your mind baby"

12. "in her eyes, there is nothing i can't do. when i think its out of reach, she's the reason i still try"

13. ~~"our love could use a day of rest, before we both start falling apart... "~~

14. ~~"mama told her babygirl take it real slow, girl told her mama hey i really gotta go, he's waiting in the car.. mama said girl you won't get far.."~~

15. "your legs are sooth as they graze mine, we're doing fine.. we're doing nothing at all"

16. "i realy wanna say those three little words, but im gonna bite my tounge, i'm just gonna lean on back.. leave it on cruise control"

17. "i think its best we both go our seperate ways. tell me why we must stay in this relationship.. when i'm hurtin baby, i aint happy baby. "

18. "God help me keep me moving somehow, dont let me start wishing i was with him now, i've made it this far without crying a single tear.."

19. "fall, with you i fall so fast.. i can hardly catch my breath i hope it lasts"

20. "you dont know what you do, everytime you walk into the room.. i'm afraid to move"

sometimes the thrill of soaring.. must begin with the fear of falling

holball23@yahoo.com — Sat, 18 Dec 2004 07:04:33 GMT

josh makes me really happy. and tonight he surprised me yet again. some of the girls at work are being really cool about it. others, not. but its okay. he said today this girl viki was like "so what is really up with you and hollie" he kept saying nothing. and she would say "remember youre married" and he said that he told her that he is seperated now.
he called up there after he got off, then came to see me on my break, i went outside and stood by his truck only some of the girls came out to smoke and we assumed they could see us, so i thought he was being ballsy by coming to see me. then he was like, "you know what.." and just like all out kissed me, and said "now do you really think i care what they think"

i know that its risky getting involved. being that he is married, well, legally seperated... and she wants the divorce before she goes to iraq in febuary.
she moved out last week, then he said she came back last night cause she has no where else to stay, so she asked if she could stay there a few nights till she finds a place, he said since she payed the rent the last month that he figured he owed her that much. he says he is just sleeping on the couch.
i am so scared of getting hurt, of it not working out.. but its funny- i dont care this time, i am not going to run away, or be afraid to get close to him. take chances, make mistakes- i am young, and if right now.. he makes my heart happy... that should be what is important. me and jason were talking, and i was like "you know, i am almost positive this will turn out bad .. and that'll get hurt, and i dont care at all, for once i think the pain might be worth it" and jason is so cute, he's like "and the bad part is, after you get hurt and are miserable, you get to do it all over again"

he said he was bummed i didnt work last night, he wanted to come see me.. because i am the only person who can make him smile.

he went and got his hair cut when he left work, and i saw it when he came back on my break. its so short. lol, he's like "you dont like it?" it was cute, cause he isnt the kind that youd think he would care. i was just like "it'll grow on me" heh. he can be such a girl sometimes.

i actually get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about him kissing me. oh boy.

i have such a headache from that damn bookstore. lol didnt get out ti'll 1 tonight. ah
at least i get to sleep in now..
me and alan had SO much fun last night, went to greenville and just went shopping, got some pizza, then went back to what will be his new house (with ben & billy) as of this wkend, and we watched a movie. he is so cool to hang out with.. and i am so happy i met him. i have definately, even if they are ALL guys, (heh), have met some GREAT people here... billy, josh, alan. i really dont know what i'd do w/o em.

10 days and i get to go home.
tori worked tonight, and i have decided that she is really cool (as long as she doesnt end up turning out like beth) but her mom was there and she was hugging her mom, and i just cannot wait to hug my mom.. i miss her so much.
annnnd of course AJ. it sucks not being able to just hang out w/your best friend whenever, but i cant explain how thankful i am that we are still us.. cause she has sorta been like my rock. whether here or not, i know she's there and thats got me through these last 4 months so much easier than i couldve imagined
i feel like i havent talked to sam or misty in forevers.
wonder if jrod and whore girl have made it this far. ehhhh

well, with that.. i am slleeepy. goodnight all :)

quote and dream

holball23@yahoo.com — Fri, 17 Dec 2004 20:36:49 GMT

Joey: You know, you're really annoying. 'Cause every time I’m ready to do the smart, sensible thing, you go and you say something that makes me...
Wilder: Makes you what?
Joey: Not want to go away (dawsons creek)

To dream that you are climbing a tree, signifies that you will achieve your career goals and reach those high places in society. The degree of difficulty to which you climb the tree will measure the speed of your achievement of these goals

To be falling from a tree in your dream, indicates that you are off balance and out of sync. You are off track and headed in the wrong direction. (so i never actually fell from the tree, i just kept getting scared that i was gonna fall, and almost did a few times, but i never actually fell out of the tree)

trees is especially auspicious for love affairs and/or matters of friendship

and climbing a tree is one of the few exceptions to the up is good rule, as it indicates hard work for small gain.

heh, glad these are all SO positive

why's it all got to be so complicated, in this complicated world...

holball23@yahoo.com — Thu, 16 Dec 2004 20:15:17 GMT

so i got to sleep into today until almost 2pm. how awesome is that? the first time in forevers. i realize that is really late, but i did go to bed like after 3 or something.. NO SCHOOL, how awesome is that? and for some odd reason, i don't have to work today either.. so, a day of nothing. for once i think that'll be okay.

let's take you back to monday though... so, come to find out josh and his wife are legally seperated now, and she moved out and wants the divorce before she leaves in febuary. --- so we closed monday, hung out the whole time, just had a blast being stupi and throwing the lil kids fiction cucumber animal at each other haha, dont ask, but when we got off, we stayed outside in the parking lot as per usual so we could talk as we always do, not any different than any other time. except later since we closed later. ... well
i get to work yesterday and josh is like "so we had a spy" apparently beth (this girl who at the start was supposed to be my friend & not like every girl) she told kim ( the one that called me a bitch my 1st day ) and she told eveyone that me and josh were in the parking lot in his truck on monday night at 2 am. which is true, but besides the point. so, josh said as soon as he got to work tuesday ( i didnt work ) that everyone, including mangers, were like "what is going on with you and hollie" ect. but, josh got his manager lady friend who closed that night to just say he left right after she did, so that it is a "rumor" and makes beth & kim look dumb.
well, it wasnt untrue but i guess it looks better for it to be untrue, even though it shouldnt look like nething, because him and his wife arent and havent really been together for a while. regardless we were talking, yes late and in the parking lot, but so what.. it isnt like we went back to his place, ya know.
heh, beth ended up coming in last night just to see someone and as soon as she got there i called her out. i was like "yeah, you told someone (kim) that had an even bigger mouth than you, cause she told everyone you said it" and she had this "oh shit" look on her face, it was priceless. i was like "guess when u were deciding which one of us to be friends with .. you picked the wrong one" .. all her explaination was is that she is worried about me *that she got invovled with this married man at her last work (which isnt what im doing)* and that she doesnt want me to go down that road, b/c she knows he is gonna hurt me.. ect. well, EVEN if she has good intention and felt that way... she needed to TELL ME, not the entire booksamillion staff. you know? it wasnt her place, or business and for that, i hate girls even more. she came back in later and like gave me a hug, and i am incapable of being mean. i didnt say nething, she just said she'd call me. whatever. i really dont want to hear it. lol josh said that our manager carolyn wouldnt let him work by himself tues so he wouldnt go up to beth heh.
i said i was gonna beat her with this starwars lightsaber we have in there. more so i wanna beat kim though. but still.

there are two girls there that i really do like and can talk to, maybe cause they're not immature. they're both married. the one girl, jenna, she is 25 and has a kid, and all.. she's really awesome. i hope i am just like her. she is the only other person josh can talk to there too. and i knew that. jenna was just telling me not to worry about what everoyne is saying, because i am the only one that matters in the end, that there opinion, while it may bother me, shouldnt run my life. which is true. her and kristina told me not to get involved w/josh though. and later i asked jenna if it was because of the situation or b/c he was a bad guy, and she said mainly the situation, but that they're seperated and the divorce should happen soon that maybe after time it won't be so bad, but to do what i want. that i am young and allowed to make mistakes and if i get hurt, i'll learn from it, but not to hold back because i am scared. she said she talked to him a lil, and said she said something about "what if your wife trys to come after hollie for being close to you" and he said he wouldnt ever let that happen, and that she could tell by talking to him and hearing how he talked about me that he really cares about me. which, i know he does b/c he told me. and i care about him too.
i'm being careful with it though, just talking to him, being there.. and not going to worry about these stupid f'in people who want to talk. jenna really helped just by listening and talking. so that was so cool of her. ... i just dont know much of anything, except that i am happy right now and i like that.

i go to talk to kyle yesterday for a lil bit. which i am thankful for.. i miss him. everytime i watch friends, i miss him.

made a few new friends lately, heh ... all boys but thats okay. me and tim (met at school) talk every so often. yesterday at work i felt bad, cause the new guy, jesse, whois really cool and i like that he's there cause finally a break from girls... he was like (as he was leaving) "well i was gonna give you my number (then he hands me a post it with it on it) but, i now realize you have a thing for older guys in parking lots (mainly a joke cause he knew i was flustered about the rumor)" and i was like "jesse, its not like that" i called him anyway on my break, to tell him that i'm not with josh or nething like that, but if he wanted to be friends that i did. he's cool. tom (he used to work there. good friends w/josh, he lives there most of the time, but we're tryin to hook him and the new girl tori up) he had me call him last night cause he was really sad, but he's a sweetheart and worries about me.
i think me and alan are going to the movies tonight. i gotta call him.
my phone just rang it was "restricted" and the only person that it did that with was randy. but he hung up as i answered. weird.

christmas is in like 9 days.. thats insane.
texas in 12...
birthyday in 13...
randy in 14.....

;)

sing me one more song, about old san antone..

holball23@yahoo.com — Wed, 15 Dec 2004 06:50:47 GMT

hmm.. where shall i start? oh yeah: 13 days ;)

so, eventful day. most of it was in a incredibly good mood...
last night was fun, josh closed and it doesnt even feel like i am at work when he is there. things with his wife are worse and they are just going to end it soon before she leaves anyway. i think it'll be best for him that way too. i am so glad i have him in my life.. i have him the lil giftcard i bought him and a card then made him give the card back after he read it (lol the episode of gilmore girls where rory writes the letter than deans wife found it).. heh, i couldnt let that happen, even though the letter just said something along the lines of "thanks for being here and not making things so bad, ill always be here for you to talk to" .. i still didnt wanna take any chances of making his deal worse, you know? i just care about him a great deal. that much i can defintely say.

didnt get home last night ti'll about 245am ish.. cause me and josh stood outside and talked forever. had my anatomy final at 9ish to take and hadnt studied at all. haha.. YES. guess what, i ended up getting an f'in 92. i about had a heart attack. i was proud of me.
took my ethics one at 6, got an 84 but ill still get an a in that one.

talked w.gary online earlier.. he asked how i felt about jared and candace. turns out they are "official" and all. god, i hope she doesnt hurt him. she really does not deserve him. i know the emotion and feelings he can express to a person, and he shouldnt waste that on her. but i'll be there for him regardless. i just hope we're okay when i get home.

hung out w/billy.. it was good to talk to him. tomorrow is our last day in psych. : ( no more mitch lol

soooo in my crazed hyper mood tonight i called mickey. yeeah, i was sorta saying things i shouldnt.. things i held in a long time ago. acting crazy. he didnt react well, we got in weird conv. about pointless things now and he at one time was yelling at me and i was in tears. it didnt end too well. sorta with neither of us saying anything. i later text messaged him to say that i was sorry & i didnt know what got into me, but that he'll awlays be that guy. he then said back "you know i still care for you, i just want us to be happy whether it be friends or something more"
lol what the f? mickey? heh.. i think that is the first time in like 4 years that he has actually "written" something to me, besides my yearbook or something. so i said back.. "i think i just dont want to lose you, and i had stuff built up inside of me but i know i gotta let all that go"

.. i feel like i'm in high school again, re-living mine and mickey's conversations.

alright, two finals tomorrow. yet to study. so far its worked out okay : ) last day.. thank goodness.. gnite